Four Times Robin Scherbatsky Wasn't Pregnant
by SigmaTheta
Summary: And One Time She Was . Inspired by the Right Time Right Place promo and finished shortly before the episode aired.


"What are you doing?"

Robin, intent and focused on the object in her hand, jumps at the voice and nearly drops it. Her little sister is standing in the doorway, one hand resting on the doorknob and the other still holding her book bag. She has her head tilted, looking into the room curiously. "Katie!" Robin blurts out, recovering from the shock, "I'm on the toilet! Get out!"

"You left the door unlocked."

"How does that matter? Go away!"

"But what are you doing?"

"Nothing," Robin insists, silently cursing herself. She was home on break, but she had forgotten when Katie's school got out. She doesn't have the time or inclination to try and explain this to her kid sister. "I just have a little emergency to take care of."

"With a stick?"

"Yes," she says drily, "With a stick."

"Do you need help?"

"No. Now _get out!_"

"Okay, fine. You don't have to yell." Katie turns to leave with all the huffiness of an offended ten-year-old, but she stops half way out and turns back around. "You know, Mom says to ask for help when you're in trouble."

Robin pales at the phrasing. "I don't need any help," she mutters.

Her sister shrugs and continues on her way.

"Katie!" Robin calls suddenly. She turns around. Robin swallows hard. "Don't tell Mom about this, okay?"

Katie stares at her sister, looking confused, but then she slowly nods. "Okay."

***

Risk it? Had she really said that? How stupid.

Robin taps the box against the palm of her hand in agitation, glaring at anyone who gives her a funny look. The line at the drugstore is never this long when she just wants to buy aspirin.

If this turns out badly, she knows how everything will play out. She'll have the kid and wind up marrying Ted, and he'll be so happy that she'll convince herself she is too. But unless some unexpected maternal instinct kicks in, Robin knows she will never really love that kid, because she'll always resent it a little bit for keeping her from Argentina and Japan and her future as a big name news anchor.

Ted will wind up hating her for keeping him from his perfect family, and she will wind up hating Ted for keeping her from her perfect job. She's had the nightmare enough times to have the ending memorized.

Robin finally reaches the counter, and the cashier hardly even blinks. He probably gets dozens of women like her every day. Dozens of stupid women who decide to _risk it. _

She hands over the cash and wonders how she and Ted managed to last as long as they did.

***

It's stress. She knows it's stress. Her job is going nowhere, Simon had come back and torn her apart like a teenager again, she nearly ruined two of her friendships, she was just in the middle of the Barney-Ted fallout that was really all her fault to begin with, and now one of her best friends is in the hospital with every bone in his body broken. It has to be stress.

And now she's crying in a bathroom stall again, and she can't decide whether or not 'hospital' is a step up from 'wedding reception.'

She wipes her eyes with a wad of toilet paper, squints at the instructions in her hands, and hopes she hasn't managed to screw up even more.

After five excruciatingly long minutes, her fears wash away and she sighs in relief. It really is stress. She laughs. God, she's been a mess. Robin throws everything out, washes her hands, and returns to Barney's room.

"Scherbatsky!" he grins, "Give me a hand, here. I'm bored as hell." He wiggles his fingers toward the remote.

She clicks on the TV for him and sits down in the chair beside his bed. They spend the next twenty minutes dubbing over a Spanish soap opera with their own inappropriate dialogue and laughing at each others' over-the-top accents.

***

The irritation wells up in her until finally Robin snaps, "Barney, I'm pregnant."

There is a beat of silence as Barney's mouth snaps shut with an audible click and Ted shoots her a look. Her misery is from food poisoning and not morning sickness, but Barney, who is unaware, turns on his heel and shoots out of the room, limbs flailing, door slamming behind him.

She closes her eyes and lets out a long breath, relieved at the silence. When she looks up again, Ted is still staring at her. "What?" she asks.

"Why did you say that? You know he's gonna freak out and probably do something crazy."

"So? At least it got him to leave, right? I mean, did you really want to sit here and listen to him rattle on about his collection of dubious conquests?" Robin makes a frustrated gesture with one hand and then runs it through her hair, mussing it up further.

Now Ted is giving her a different look, the look that means he's on the verge of figuring something big out and is rather proud of himself for it. "Are you…upset that you're one of the two hundred?" he asks after another moment of contemplation.

Robin sits up quickly. "No! What? No. Why would I care about something stupid like that?" Ted is half-smirking at her. Robin shakes her head. "Come on, Ted. I'm sick. I'm just not in the mood to hear him bragging about _anything_, bimbo-related or not."

Ted sighs, looking amused and disbelieving at the same time. "Are you sure?"

Robin opens her mouth, but she doesn't get the chance to answer. The door bangs open again and Barney comes rushing in. He's babbling again, frantically, and Robin doesn't know what to say when he offers to help her in any way possible with her fake pregnancy.

In the background, Ted looks exasperated.

***

His hands still shake a little when he grips the steering wheel, but he can manage the few miles from the clinic to their apartment and he doesn't want her taking a taxi. The panic of watching the road is almost enough to distract him from everything else.

There is complete silence in the passenger seat, broken only by the rattle of pills as Robin pulls her prescription out of the paper bag and stares at it blankly. At a red light, Barney pulls one hand off the wheel in a jerky movement and settles it on her left knee.

When they reach the apartment, Robin strips off her clothes and takes a long shower. She towels herself off and climbs into bed, naked and still slightly damp. After a few minutes, Barney slides in next to her, pressing against her back and curling a tentative arm around her. She can feel the rise and fall of his chest, the exhale against her neck as he breathes.

Robin has learned that Barney secretly enjoys being affectionate like this. She usually teases him and calls him a closet cuddler, but there is something else in this moment, a quiet tenseness and sense of apprehension that is barely held back. She can understand it. Things like this can break apart even stable relationships, and they've never really been that.

Robin frowns as soon as the thought crosses her mind. They may not be normal, but they're strong, stronger than those 'stable' couples and stronger than this. She turns her head until her cheek brushes his. "Barney, we're okay," she whispers. Her hand wraps around his and drags it down to press against her lower abdomen. His warmth seeps into her and makes the cramping less painful.

He breathes out slowly against her skin and gives the slightest of nods. "Yeah," he sighs, "Yeah, we're good."


End file.
